The Scott Hamilton

Seeing that the 'Couv Olympics ended today, we at the blog did some reflecting and decided to write about the one  thing that truly stuck out during these Winter Olympics.  We are, of course, referring to the figure skating commentary of Scott Hamilton.  Hamilton was as emotional as he was bald (if not more so).  Every single jump drew the same level of emotion and it was impossible to distinguish if Hamilton was disgusted or supremely impressed.  Even the Poo Bird chimed in about his commentary.  She would repeatedly say, "This Brian O'Brian guy needs to chill out."  By Brian O'Brian she meant Brian Boitano, another male U.S. figure skating icon.  Despite the fact that she was confusing Brian Boitano with Scott Hamilton, her analysis stands strong.  Hamilton did indeed need to chill out. (click here for evidence of his excitement)

What is clear is that Scott Hamilton is passionate about skating.  We at the blog wish to thank him for sharing his passion with us and we can think of no better way to thank him than naming a drink after him.  But what drink?  We at the blog feel it would be most appropriate to incorporate previous drinks we have named after people.

The John Daly
- for those unfamiliar with John Daly, he is a pro golfer known for hitting the long ball (aka feeding the big dog).  He is also known for smoking a cig while playing and wearing crazy pants.  (as a homework project, this blogger gives everyone the assignment to do a google image search of 'Jon Daly pants'...you wont be disappointed.)
- The drink we made up: A John Daly is a combination of beer and sparks, it screams class and energy just like its namesake.

The Harold Reynolds
- Harold Reynolds is a former baseball player and ESPN analyst who got fired for hitting on an intern while not wearing pants.
- The drink we made up: A Harold Reynolds is a John Daly, drank while not wearing pants.

The Scott Hamilton
- Our newest concoction.  The Scott Hamilton drink shall be a John Daly (beer and sparks) in which after every sip you must moan loudly in agony or delight after each sip.  People will not know whether you've been poisoned or are drinking the finest drink the world has ever known.

Here's to Scott Hamilton, cheers.  (oooohhhh eeeeekkk aaaaccccchhhhh)

G.T.L.

We all know that our friends at the Jersey Shore have their own G.T.L. (Gym, Tan, Laundry) that they all do everyday.  But we at the blog asked members of the Lake Michigan Shore what their G.T.L.s were.  Here are their responses.

Mike, a.k.a. "the stimulation" said his G.T.L. is "Gel (for his hair), Turkey Sandwiches, Ladies."

Kirky D, who knows better than to be "the stimulation's" wingman, said his G.T.L. is "Grubbin, Tootin, and Loungin."

Sconnie (Wisconsin's Ronnie), who dares anyone to come at these beef pipes bro', said his G.T.L. is "Gabies (men's bum cheeks), Top-shorts (aka t-shirts), Laying (on his belly playing computer games)."

Minnie (Minnesota's Vinnie), loves fist pumping to Soulja Boy and Sarah Bareilles, said his G.T.L. is "Gatorade, Toppers (pizza), and Liquor."

C-Woww, likes HAM...and WATER, says her G.T.L. is "Gorgeous, Terrorizing (Kirk), Lip Cuddles (a.k.a. kissing)."

Bootsy Sweetheart, he's the cutest cat you've ever seen, says his G.T.L. is "Gnawing (on chew toys), Tummy rubs, Licking himself."

Snookole,  the Princess of Potawatomi, says her G.T.L. is "Giggling, Taking cats to emergency rooms, and Larceny (we know about the wine bottle at Malpo Ball)."

Graphs

In an effort to create a more professional environment, we at the blog asked ourselves, "what's more professional than graphs?"  Probably nothing (although wearing pants around the headquarters would be another step in the right direction).

What's got two thumbs and loves pizza?

This guy!

 

After a recent job interview for a guest blogger position, at blog headquarters, the interviewee was caught on surveillance camera (pictured above).  This is a still image from the video.  Audio from the tape includes the following dialog between the candidate, a passerby and a renowned blogger:

Candidate: "Oh what up, the Hoff dropped his pizza!"

Passerby: "That's not pizza, its a pie graph, and its covered in Hoff slobber."

Candidate: "Oh I love Hoff Slobber-flavored pie graph pizza!"

Passerby: "I think that jacket is cutting off blood flow to your brain grapes."

Candidate: "Yes, that's right, it is.  I stole it from some guy named Joey Eastside."

Renowned blogger: "Are you eating the pie graph?  Do you like it?"

Candidate: no response...just continued eating and gave it two thumbs up.

Renowned blogger: "You're hired."

Poo Bird (heard singing in the distance): "whhhyyyy yoouuuu gggooootttttaaa beeee uppp onnn meee likee thattttt, yeeahhhh."

Problem Solved

We at the blog have solved the question of what happened to the missing piece of the pie graph.  It was an honest mistake.  Our old buddy the Hoff stopped by the headquarters and mistook the pizza section of the pie graph for a real piece of pizza.  Surveillance cameras caught the image below.  Boy is he embarrassed, and drunk.  (just by reading his lips you can tell he was about to say, "shhheeeesh, thisss pizzaaa tasssstes like a piee graphhh.")

Popularity Graph

In a recent poll, readers of this blog submitted their answer for their favorite things in life.  The answers are displayed below.



However, we at the blog are concerned about the pizza section of the pie graph, as it looks like its being removed.  Hopefully we'll find where its heading soon.

Best Video Ever

I was asked about the name Walter Wigglcheeks earlier today, so I was working with the Audio/Video department to find a video of a bulldog waddling its cheeks as it walked.  I didn't find an acceptable video of that, but I did happen to stumble upon what is arguably the greatest video of all time. Please enjoy! (sound is not necessary for the enjoyment)

Weekly Awards

It is time once again to hand out the weekly awards.  You may notice there are a few new categories this week, which goes to show that if you do somethiing outrageous, you'll probably get an award for it.  Please feel free to submit nominations for awards in the comment section too.

Most prominent nickname for the Poo Bird: Slider
 - this nickname came as a result of the author saying: "I'm as tired as a hamburger."  Naturally, the Poo Bird is much smaller and cuter than the author, so Slider was a perfect fit.
- a special note about sliders.  I want to congratulate the restaurant industry for making it socially acceptable to have a cheeseburger before your actual meal comes.  We were all thinking, "man am I hungry, this giant bowl of pasta wont fill me up, I better have a few small cheeseburgers to warm me up."

Song of the week sung by the Poo Bird: Toes, by Zac Brown Band
- sample lyrics from the Slider, "Adios and vaya con migos, yeah I'm leaving VA..."
- actual lyrics, "Adios and vaya con dios, yeah I"m leaving GA..."
- sample lyrics from the Hamburger, "Got my ass in the water, toes in my hands..." (I thought it created a nice mental picture, somewhat like the kid from Billy Madison sitting on a fountain)
- actual lyrics, "Got my toes in the water, ass in the sand."

Self-appointed nickname of the week: *Tie* Joey Eastside and Mikey Big Time.
- normally the author prefers to distribute (and enforce) nicknames, but when self-appointed gems like these emerge, who can argue with their brilliance.

Best bar game of the week: Collin or 1920's radio broadcaster
- Hamburger and Mr. Mariachi (Tidwell) decided that Joey Eastside's impression of Collin sounded very similar to a 1920's radio announcer.
- Joey embraced this phenomenon and quickly produced several rounds of chatter in which the audience had to guess whether he was doing a Collin or 1920's impression.
- a special thanks for the multiple mentions of J. Edgar Hoover and Speakeasy's, those were real rib-ticklers.

Graphics Department

A reader with an astute eye, noticed that the photos listed under Mariachi Madness were indeed doctored.  I personally thought the graphics department did a first-rate job and I thought nobody would notice that the photos were retouched.  As evidence of the Graphics Department's skill I'd like to show you a real picture and a retouched picture for comparison purposes.

Real (unretouched) Picture:

 

Doctored Photo:

Notice how the facial hair in both pictures is very similar.  Kudos to the Graphics Department, sharp broadcast everybody, Neat-O!

Mariachi Madness

We at the blog would like to introduce a new feature called Mariachi Madness.  What does this consist of, you ask?  Simple, you take a student directory picture and turn it into a member of a mariachi band.  The madness comes into play once that student sees their picture.

Word Swap Game Winner

We at the blog would like to congratulate the Word Swap Game Winner: Nicole!
Nicole was the first to successfully submit the correct answer, which was:

A turd in the punch bowl:
<--- WORD SWAP -->
A punch in the turd bowl

It is no surprise that Nicole won, seeing that she is a blog veteran, as she was the second follower of this blog.

Nicole, here is your special shout-out:

Word Swap Clue

It is quite apparent that a) nobody knows how to play the game, b) this game makes no sense, c) nobody cares about this game, they are just waiting for more ninja pictures, or likely all of the above.

The common saying associated with the first picture is: "A turd in the punch bowl."

Now all you have to do is a swap two words from that saying to go with the second picture.

Remember a shout-out is on the line here.

Word Swap Game

We at the blog enjoy switching around words in everyday life to amuse ourselves.  We have created a game called word swap in which the reader looks at the first picture (which represents a common saying), then takes the saying and switches two words to create a new saying, represented by the second picture.  While the second saying might not make perfect sense literally, it usually is entertaining.

Example of how the game works:
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
<-- WORD SWAP -->
A bush in the in the hand is worth two in the bird.

So the first person to submit the correct answer will win a special prize (most likely a shout-out on the blog)

Picture 1 (represents a saying)

 

<-- WORD SWAP -->

Picture 2 (new saying)

Black Torpedo

The intraweb is abuzz with chatter regarding this blog. Several fake quotes were even added to the blog page as proof of such buzz. (Caroline's quote, however, is authentic) Readers have seen the Vice President of Content's picture and I know people must be hankering for a gander at the mysterious wordsmith behind the blog. During an impromptu blog meeting this morning, the VPC (Vice Pres of Content) and I decided it would be a good photo opportunity given the sheer ridiculousness of the outfit I was already wearing in preparation for a mid-winter bike ride. Having just given myself the nickname The Black Torpedo, I felt a traditional pose for the camera was not sufficient. Please enjoy the resulting ninja jump-kick.

Proper-ness

It has come to the author's attention that a certain reader is confused about what is proper behavior.

This particular reader has decided that a proper response to any question or statement is, "So why don't you blog about it....Booyah!"
- Example conversation
Renowned Blogger Statement: I'm Hungry
Confused Reader Response: So, why don't you blog about it....Booyah?!

- Second hypothetical conversation
Renowned Blogger Statement: I like your new purple jacket
Confused Reader Response: So, why don't you blog about it....Booyah?! and by the way it's Plum not purple, double blog, double booyah!

While this is a delightful suggestion when appropriate (possibly even a veiled attempt to provide content to the blog) it is however not a proper response in all situations.

This reader also is confused about the difference between accusations and opinions. In her "opinion," every scent emitted in the world originates from this renowned blogger. (Good or Bad - Ok mostly bad). While in reality there are other things in this world that create smells. In fact, there is a look that this reader shoots the blogger that is the essence of a wordless accusation, whenever a scent is detected. (reader voluntarily submitted a content contribution to demonstrate said accusatory glare). In this blogger's professional opinion, it is not proper to assume or accuse bloggers of creating every scent.

In conclusion, in my opinion it "stinks" when things are less than proper...and yes, I blogged about it....Booyah!

p.s. I would like to thank the reader for her valuable contribution to the blog, she has brought the blog to a new level of credibility, accuracy and most importantly cuteness. I would also like to take the opportunity to disclose that the reader has a very sensitive nose. Because sensory perception is not distributed evenly, she claims that what she lacks in the hearing department, she makes up for by having an extra sensitive nose.

Obstacles

I'm sure most of you are wondering about my health and well being since I did not post a blog entry yesterday. Don't worry, I'm fine (except for the deep pain of not being able to share profound blogthoughts - that still hurts). Life sometimes gets in the way of your blogging, you all know that. Here's my list of complaints that are a real pain in my blog.

- all this homework is getting in the way of my blogging
- all this procrastination is getting in the way of my homework
- all this websurfing is getting in the way of my productive procrastination (cleaning)
- all this blogging is getting in the way of my more productive websurfing (watching olympics online)

To recap, all this blogging is getting in the way of my blogging.

Who is this "Poo Bird"?

Many readers have submitted questions, asking, who is this Poo Bird that is so often mentioned in this blog?

I expect, many of you readers even googled, "poo bird," to try and figure it out. I want to preemptively strike down some of the results, so you know that those search results are not the Poo Bird I am referring to.

Mistaken Poo Bird #1:
- The Poo Bird I am referring to is not a person from Bangladesh, actually named Poo Bird, with a profile on Linkedin. http://www.linkedin.com/pub/poo-bird/8/285/815.

Mistaken Poo Bird #2:
- I am also not referring to Fernando Poo Bird Stamps, as seen here: http://www.bird-stamps.org/country/fernan.htm.

Mistaken Poo Bird #3:
- Please under no circumstances visit www.poobird.com, not even kidding. It is a man's blog about his bowel movements. This is most certainly not the Poo Bird I am referring to. (After careful consideration, I now realize this would have been more appropriate listed under mistaken Poo Bird #2).

Mistaken Poo Bird #4:
- I know what everyone is thinking, now that I've eliminated the obvious choices, the Poo Bird I'm referring to must be the Hoo-Poo Bird (pictured above), named for its distinct "Hoo Poo" call.

Actually, the Poo Bird I am referring to, is known for her powerful vocal chops and her sublime dance moves. She resides in Eastern Wisconsin, and because we aren't using first names on this blog, she shall remain nameless, for now. To further clarify, she did not get this nickname through any means relating to a bathroom, rather it is a derivative of Poot and Love Bird.

Weekly Awards

We at the blog are starting a new Monday tradition of handing out weekly awards.

Most prominent nickname for the Poo Bird: Poogles
- popular derivatives of the winning nickname are: Poogala Arugala, Poog, Poogy, Paroogie (not to be confused with Perogie), Poogoo Magoopoo, and Chip Stealer.

Best rap song performed in an opera style by the Poo Bird: "So Hard" by Rihanna
- Poogles declined an invitation to add valuable content to the blog in the form of creating a music video for the blog.
- Highlights of Poogle's lyrical interpretation are: "whhhyyyyy you goooottttaaa beeee up onnnn me like thaaatttt, oonnnnn mmeeeee like thattttt?"
- Actual lyrics: I can’t just let you run up on me like that (all up on me like that) yeah

Congratulations to Poogles, and "So Hard."

Happy VD!!!!

I'd like to wish a very special Vanerial Disease to all the readers!!!

I kiiiid, vanerial diseases are nothing to celebrate, and they are certainly not cute. Unlike, my very special valentine who is way cute. So I'd like to wish her a Happy Valentine's day (and you too Nicole). I'd like to thank her for her beautiful presents and wrapping job using her innovative wrapping technique - its quite crafty to use a pink table cloth as wrapping paper. But it wasn't her fault that the table cloth looked like tissue paper - "Stupid Walmart."

I'd also like to spread a note of caution to all the readers, do not chase my cute valentine, as she is full of choc-o-lates.

Fan Convention

The author would like to send a special shout out to all the fans of the blog as he knows they are getting together tonight to have a kirkthoughts blog reading party under the guise of "watching a movie."

To show my appreciation, I've collaborated with the research and development department to create an unparalleled result. I think you'll agree that the level of multimedia achievement speaks for itself.

p.s. this young gal named, Senorita Deborah Drumlin, wants to know if Winston is available tomorrow. She's not looking for anything serious and wants him to know that once she gets a few bacon-flavored treats and some chew toy time, her morals loosen considerably.

"We at the blog"

A special note about using the phrase, "We at the blog."

This author understands that some people (the poo bird) think it is inappropriate for him to say, "We at the blog..." given the fact that he is a one-man operation. However, the author feels that using said phrase conveys a sense of professionalism that he wishes to import on the reader(s).

This being said, we at the blog feel that there has been some unwarranted credibility taken for this blog. Certain readers have even tried to use the phrase "We at the blog," to include themselves in blog-related activities. However, I can't even comprehend such nonsense as anyone related to the blog would know the blog's motto; "Content is King."

We at the blog wish to make it clear that until a reader provides some valuable content, she should please refrain from using the phrase "We at the blog."

We at the blog thank you.

The Important things in life

After much reader criticism and feedback, I am under the impression that the readers don't take as much pride in this blog as the author.

So, I've decided to create a list of the important things in life. This is just an initial entry, subject to change (mostly depending on certain readers' behavior (i.e. the poo bird)).

1. The Poo Bird

1(a). This Blog

2. Bulldog puppies

3. Bulldogs

3(a). Pizza

4. Southwest sauce (see blog entries 1 and 2)

to be continued

reading instrictions

URGENT!!

Attention all followers. My blog entries are to be read with a Brittish accent. The cockney kind...example "'ello Govna, how's your Muva?" Me and my Mum don't want none of those classy accents around here, see. YOU GOT THAT POO BIRD!

G'Day

Apologies to all my followers

In my initial post, there was a crucial error. I had stated that we were getting the buffalo chicken samich when in reality we went with the chicken teriyaki samich. Don't worry we went heavy on the southwest sauce.

Please note, that the local subway establishment is offering all footlongs for 5 dollars (except the philly cheesesteak). But if you get a cheesesteak at subway rather than chubby's cheesesteak you're a real num nucker to begin with and you deserve to pay more than 5 dollars.

Apologies for the mistake.

Sidenote: the Poo Bird was thirsty, but I gave her a Pepsi Max and she seems to be satisfied.
Sidenote 2: Poo Birds dresses arrived. She likes 1 out of 4 of them. "That's the risk with online shopping," says the bird.

I so hungee

Initial web log posting.

I am so hungry and the poo bird is out running errands.

But she is a good super duper pooper scooper and she has offered to get Subway. We have decided to split a 5, 5 dollar, 5 dollar foot loooooong. We're going with the delightful (yet refined) buffalo chicken samich, with SOUTHWEST sauce. It will be pretttyy, preetttty, pretty good. I can't wait to meet it.

The panini princess will be so embarrassed that I mentioned her in my blog, as I so often threaten to do.