Guest Blogger: Joey Eastside

The Tiger Woods

Take a Red Headed Slut (1 oz Peach Schnapps, 1 oz Jager, Cranberry Juice), a Blonde Headed Slut (1 oz Orange Liqueur, 1 oz Peach Schnapps, Pineapple Juice), a Brunette Slut (1 oz Crown Royal,  ½ oz Raspberry Liqueur, 1 oz Triple Sec, 1 oz Cranberry Juice, 1 oz Sprite), and 1 Ambien. Feel free to enjoy multiple servings of each part (umm, except for the Ambiens).

The Shawne Merriman

Have a Tequila Sunrise (1 part Tequila, 2 parts Orange Juice, splash of Grenadine), followed by a Lights Out (1 oz Vodka, 1 oz Jager), then have someone choke you.

The Jose Canseco

This is an Anabolic Steroid (1/3 oz Blue Curacao, 1/3 oz Melon Liqueur, 1/3 oz Orange Liqueur). For it to be a true Jose Canseco, take lots.

The Roger Clemens

The Jose Canseco administered as an injection in your butt.

The Floyd Landis

This too is a Jose Canseco, but you lie and tell everyone it’s just Jack Daniels.

The Tim Tebow

Drink Shirley Temples and anything else virgin in public, but start pounding Slut Tits (1 oz Blue Curacao, 1 oz Vodka, White Cranberry Juice), Buttery Nipples (1 oz Buttershots Liqueur, ½ oz Bailey’s), or anything that’s part of the Tiger Woods when nobody is looking.

The Tom Crean

This is any drink you mix with a Diet Coke and consume while in a tanning bed.

The Brett Favre

The most American beer you can think of mixed with a combo of Vicodin and tears. Must be consumed while wearing a pair of Wranglers and a 10-year old Nike golf cap. Also, the more times you re-open your tab to have one more round, the more it becomes a Brett Favre.

The Steve Phillips

You basically take any quality liquor or beer and trade it for something that comes in a paper bag and 40 oz bottle. (Mets fans contend this drink was actually invented years ago based on his crappy GM stint and that the affair with the fugly production assistant just cemented its existence.)

The Carl Lewis

Whatever drink makes you think it’s a good idea to do karaoke at the bar when you clearly should never sing in public (For reference, listen to this national anthem).

The Minnesota Viking

This one is complicated, so we’re gonna take it in steps:

1) Get a boat.

2) Make a ton of Sex on the Beach (1 ½ oz Vodka, ½ oz Peach Schnapps, 2 oz Cranberry Juice, 2 oz Orange Juice), I’m talking gallons. For this event, we’re gonna call it Sex on the Boat.

3) Get some easy women (The Gold Club in Atlanta is a good place to start). They will consume Blow Jobs (1/4 oz Bailey’s, 1/2 oz Amaretto Liqueur) and Liquid Cocaine (1/2 oz Bacardi 151, 1/2 oz Goldschlager, 1/2 oz Jager).

4)  One member of your party must pretend to moon Wisconsinites and get a middle-aged white dude to go on a tirade about how disgusting that is. (If the mooner at some point also hits a cop with his car, that’s a bonus.)

5) Find inexplicable ways to lose NFC Championship games you should win.