Future Hair Trends

We at the blog love and adore both the mustache and the mullet.  However, both hair designs have already reached superstar status.  Anytime you have a french band and crayons dedicated to a hair design, what more can be achieved?

A special thanks to Colin for finding these examples of lip ticklers.

The mullet has not had the consistent performance over time as that of the mustache, but its popularity comes and goes with tenacity.  This blogger can't imagine it getting any better than Jared Allen's mullet, so people should probably stop trying for a while.

Considering that the popularity of the mustache and the mullet are peaking, we at the blog are wondering what ridiculous hair trends will take center stage in the future.  We of course have strong feelings about this and will share our predictions.

Prediction #1: The mustache and the mullet are too awesome to ever not be popular.  So, they will adapt to find new ways of expressing themselves.

- Perhaps the mullet gets tired of always having business be in the front and the party in the back.  Maybe the front mullet comes into style.

(Kate Gosselin has been the spokeswoman for the front mullet but has proven way to uncool to bring it to prominence).

Rosie O'Donnel has killed any momentum the side mullet has of ever being cool.

Rihanna, after reading this blog and realizing that side mullets aren't cool, decided to go half mohawk and half side mullet.  It was a nice try and I respect her effort to evolve the mullet but man is that an awful haircut.

- Mustaches come in all shapes and sizes but are limited to living on the faces of junior high kids, hipsters, business professionals, adult actors, cool dads and some women whose vision has declined.

- We at the blog feel that for continued growth (pun intended) the mustache and the mullet need to expand their repertoire of where they grow.

- We feel that animals and babies are a great place to start.  What is more ridiculous than an animal or baby rocking a mullet or mustache?

Prediction #2:  Other types of hair will step up their game to new levels of awesomeness.  We at the blog feel that men's body hair is a huge untapped resource and will likely be a force to deal with in the future of ridiculous hair trends.

-  Side burns are decent creatures but lack explosive potential.  This blogger's mom has been rocking tri-burns (triangle sideburns) for years but for some reason the trend has not gone further than other moms trying to steal her look.

(please also note that the blogger's mom is making an attempt to bring ribbon mullets into style but for some reason that has yet to catch on either)

-  The prime candidate to take the throne is body hair.  Here are a few options that we at the blog think may be the next big thing.

- Chest hair bow tie.  (Kudos to the bird for this one).  If a guy were to trim his chest hair into the shape of a bow tie he is certain to become a legend and the trend would blowup immediately.  (This blogger would do it but his chest resembles chiseled marble so he is not a candidate.)

- Chest hair bra.

(This pioneer is certainly on the right track)

- Chest hair suspenders.

- Back hair jersey number.

- arm hair wristbands
- leg hair socks
- and endless other body hair possibilities
We at the blog can't wait to see what sprouts up in the future.

And we're back

We at the blog have returned from our trip to California.  For those with blogger withdrawal, I recommend getting some Ian's pizza.  While it serves no medical purpose in curing blogger withdrawal it certainly is delicious.  We at the blog hope to provide some well crafted blog posts in the near future to make up for lost time.

We'll start out by sharing some tidbits from our trip.  The trip started off beautifully, with the poo birds posing by the Hollywood sign.

We felt that a prom-style pose was in order.  Only a formal pose would suffice in the presence of such grandeur.  After stopping for this shot, things went down hill, literally.  The rented blog mobile decided that power steering was overrated and decided to shut it off while the blogger was navigating the Hollywood hills.  This caused the blogger to have a little bird poo in his pants (his first of several encounters with bird poo on the trip).  (Also, please note that when traveling from the arctic north to warm weather locations, do not wear white clothing on your first few days because the locals will mistake you for ghosts because of the combination of your pastiness and white clothing make you glow.)

Because Poo Birds are migratory creatures, the locals must have known we were coming as they were prepared to challenge the Poo Bird  and her yawning prowess.  (or it could have been that the blogger instigated several challenges).

Here, the blogger teams up with the only animal higher on the yawn hierarchy than the Poo Bird in an effort to inspire a yawn showdown.  Somehow, the Poo Bird figures out that this isn't a real Hippo and she avoids a yawn-off competition.



Later, the Poo Bird exercises dominion over those below her on the yawn hierarchy.  The Sea Lions didn't even put up a fight.

However a new, previously unconsidered, challenger steps up.  We never considered rock formations on the aggressive yawn hierarchy, but clearly La Jolla Cave wants a piece of the bird as it is clearly mocking her in the background of this picture. 

(seeing that this is a new challenger, my GPS had particular difficulty pronouncing its name.  Actually pronounced, as Luh Hoya, the GPS instead went with Lay Jolls for some reason.  It was one of many histerical mis-speaks.)



Poo Bird was not happy about these rock formations challenging her yawning prowess, so she went in for the kill.

The blogger, hoping to avoid conflict, attempted to subdue the Poo Bird, by squishing her

When it was clear this tactic was not going to stop the Poo Bird, the blogger decided to supervise the competition from a safe distance.

The Bird unleashed a yawn, and even included a slightly mocking tongue extension toward the rock formation.

Needless to say, the rock crumbled in defeat and the Poo Bird emerged victorious.

We had a great trip and are happy to announce that the Poo Bird's standing in the aggressive yawn hierarchy remains in tact.  Thank goodness we didn't run into Brook Shields, that would've been quite the showdown and would likely have resulted in more bird poo in the blogger's undergarments. 

Fog Blog

It is extremely foggy, so we at the blog, being the wordsmiths that we are, realized that fog rhymes with blog.  We figured that the readers would be disappointed if we did not write a poem about this amazing coincidence.  This poem is designed to be a glorious display of rhymesmanship while at the same time being somewhat informative.  Please enjoy.

Why is it so foggy, it is making me groggy.
I'd go for a jog, if not for the fog.
Instead I'm here bloggin' with my arteries cloggin',
shootin words out my noggin', waiting for readers to log in.
Is Rachel reading with britches so soggy?  I doubt it, she's busy eating hot doggys.
Readers beware, next week my time will be hogged, as Poo Bird goes traveling with her blogging bulldog.
First L.A. where there may be some smog, then San Diego where we'll go for a yog
But now I must sleep like a frog in a bog because of this fog, good night from the blog.

Weekly Awards

It's time again for the weekly awards here in Blogonia.

Nickname of the week: Allen Jr.
- I was again outnicknamed this week by the Poo Bird.  She started calling me Allen Jr. and I think I laughed every single time.  Example:  Oh hi Allen Jr. you look nice today.

Drink of the week: Pepsi Max
- why are you so delicious Pepsi Max?

Celebration of the week: Buzz Williams, Marquette Basketball coach


Troublemaker of the week: Poo Bird and Joey Eastside
- I caught each of them reading other blogs...I nearly threw up.

Biceps of the week: Allen Jr.

Plaintiffs of the week:  Michael Scott and Rodger Cockrum
- both were actual plaintiffs in cases I read this week.

Best website featuring Tom Selleck, Waterfalls, and Sandwiches: http://selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com/page/2

Aggressive Yawn Hierarchy

In addition to beautiful singing, improvisational dancing, and excessive cuteness, one of the Poo Bird's most prominent features is her aggressive yawning style.  Her yawns are likely to come out of nowhere, strike in a split-second, and seemingly defy logic with their size, length, and intimidation factor.  We at the blog decided to take a look at where the Poo Bird's yawns rank in the animal kingdom's aggressive yawn hierarchy.  Here are the results.

1.  The Hippo.  The Hippo is the undisputed yawning champion.  Note the size of the yawn and long distance between top and bottom jaw.  The hippo knows it has a sweet yawn and likes to show it off.  It even has a board game dedicated to its yawning ability (Hungry Hungry Hippos).

 

2.  The Poo Bird.  The Poo Bird declined an invitation to show off her yawning skills, but the graphics department did a bang up job depicting her unleash one of her beauties.  Congrats to the bird for having the second most aggressive yawn in the animal kingdom.  (please note this picture is not meant to be an accurate portrayal of the bird, this not nearly as cute as the bird nor is the outfit something the bird would wear- looks a bit Canadian tuxedo-ish).

 

3. The Gorilla

 

4. The Sea Lion.  Please note that sea lions  pride themselves on having not only big but also extremely loud yawns.

 

5.  The Orangutan

 

6. Brook Shields

7. The Tapir.  The Tapir pictured is about to show off the illusive, yawn sneeze combination.

 

8. Puppy

9.  Baby.  Please note that the baby is the Poo Bird's favorite animal.  Well, actually "baby anything," is the Poo Bird's favorite animal.

 

10.  The Rabbit

 

Honorable Mention.  Kittens.

Thoughts on guest blogger

Joey Eastside, followed the Poo Bird's courageous lead and dove headfirst into the world of guest blogging. He was inspired by the Scott Hamilton drink post and came up with some other celebrity drinks. The drinks are presented in a recipe format in the previous post. Had we at the blog been more proficient at editing HTML (or as we at the blog like to call it, hyper-text-markup-language, yeah I knew that off the top of my head, what up!) we would have added onto his post rather than adding a second post. Anyway, we at the blog appreciate his efforts and enthusiasm to join in the blogging festivities. We at the blog have inside market research about our readers and know that the majority of the readers are females. This being said, we at the blog feel that many of the references made about the celebrity drinks may not be fully appreciated and understood (no offense ladies, but I'm right aren't I?) Additionally, Joey Eastside took an aggressive and more "adult" approach than we at the blog typically aim for with our content. I hope the readers did not faint after reading such aggressive blogmanship.

I do have a few questions/comments about the drinks.
- Is there any combining of drinks allowed? For instance, if I had a Tiger Clemens (combo of the Tiger Woods and Roger Clemens) would I have to take an Ambien rectally?
- I make my Minnesota Viking drinks with a few different ingredients, mine is:
1/2 cup excitement, 2 tablespoons victory, 1 cup awesomeness, served over glory, and garnished with 2 packer beatdowns.

One last question, what was Joey Eastside drinking this night?

 

My guess would be a Carl Lewis, as it looks like he's warming up his vocalizer, but maybe he can confirm otherwise.  (it also looks like Tidwell just took a Roger Clemens in the background)

Guest Blogger: Joey Eastside

The Tiger Woods

Take a Red Headed Slut (1 oz Peach Schnapps, 1 oz Jager, Cranberry Juice), a Blonde Headed Slut (1 oz Orange Liqueur, 1 oz Peach Schnapps, Pineapple Juice), a Brunette Slut (1 oz Crown Royal,  ½ oz Raspberry Liqueur, 1 oz Triple Sec, 1 oz Cranberry Juice, 1 oz Sprite), and 1 Ambien. Feel free to enjoy multiple servings of each part (umm, except for the Ambiens).

The Shawne Merriman

Have a Tequila Sunrise (1 part Tequila, 2 parts Orange Juice, splash of Grenadine), followed by a Lights Out (1 oz Vodka, 1 oz Jager), then have someone choke you.

The Jose Canseco

This is an Anabolic Steroid (1/3 oz Blue Curacao, 1/3 oz Melon Liqueur, 1/3 oz Orange Liqueur). For it to be a true Jose Canseco, take lots.

The Roger Clemens

The Jose Canseco administered as an injection in your butt.

The Floyd Landis

This too is a Jose Canseco, but you lie and tell everyone it’s just Jack Daniels.

The Tim Tebow

Drink Shirley Temples and anything else virgin in public, but start pounding Slut Tits (1 oz Blue Curacao, 1 oz Vodka, White Cranberry Juice), Buttery Nipples (1 oz Buttershots Liqueur, ½ oz Bailey’s), or anything that’s part of the Tiger Woods when nobody is looking.

The Tom Crean

This is any drink you mix with a Diet Coke and consume while in a tanning bed.

The Brett Favre

The most American beer you can think of mixed with a combo of Vicodin and tears. Must be consumed while wearing a pair of Wranglers and a 10-year old Nike golf cap. Also, the more times you re-open your tab to have one more round, the more it becomes a Brett Favre.

The Steve Phillips

You basically take any quality liquor or beer and trade it for something that comes in a paper bag and 40 oz bottle. (Mets fans contend this drink was actually invented years ago based on his crappy GM stint and that the affair with the fugly production assistant just cemented its existence.)

The Carl Lewis

Whatever drink makes you think it’s a good idea to do karaoke at the bar when you clearly should never sing in public (For reference, listen to this national anthem).

The Minnesota Viking

This one is complicated, so we’re gonna take it in steps:

1) Get a boat.

2) Make a ton of Sex on the Beach (1 ½ oz Vodka, ½ oz Peach Schnapps, 2 oz Cranberry Juice, 2 oz Orange Juice), I’m talking gallons. For this event, we’re gonna call it Sex on the Boat.

3) Get some easy women (The Gold Club in Atlanta is a good place to start). They will consume Blow Jobs (1/4 oz Bailey’s, 1/2 oz Amaretto Liqueur) and Liquid Cocaine (1/2 oz Bacardi 151, 1/2 oz Goldschlager, 1/2 oz Jager).

4)  One member of your party must pretend to moon Wisconsinites and get a middle-aged white dude to go on a tirade about how disgusting that is. (If the mooner at some point also hits a cop with his car, that’s a bonus.)

5) Find inexplicable ways to lose NFC Championship games you should win.

The Hunger

Question for the readers.  What happens when you have a hungry blogger, trapped in a library with a Poo Bird that doesn't want to get dinner yet?  The blogger is likely to do any number of things, most scarily, he is likely to blog about his hunger and perhaps even adapt a speech from a college quarterback to describe his hunger.  This is exactly what I've done.  Tim Tebow gave a speech, called "The Promise," to Florida football fans.  (pictured below)  I have made slight alterations to describe my hunger.  Please address any complaints to the Poo Bird, as this ridiculous blog post could have been avoided had she wanted to eat earlier.

 

Renowned Blogger's version:

The Hunger

To the readers and everybody in

Wiggle Nation, I'm hungry.

I'm extremely hungry.  I am 

hoping for an uneaten pizza.

To put in my hole, something

I haven't done for hours.

I promise you one thing, a lot

of food will come into me.

You will never see any blogger in

the entire country chew as hard

as I will chew the rest of the

evening.  You will never see

someone push the rest of the

food in their mouth as hard as I will push

it the rest of the evening.

You will never see a blogger

eat harder than I will 

the rest of the evening.

What a mess.

- Renowned Blogger

 I would like to point out that Tebow gave this speech on my (and Allie's) birthday.  Is this a coincidence?  I think not.  My hunger and his promise are of equal importance and demand the same attention.

Ode to the Little Dutch Boy Haircut

In celebration of Beautiful Jennifer turning the big 2-0 today, the renowned blogger has allowed me, C-Hizzy, to guest blog.

Oh what a momentous occasion it was, twenty years ago today, when KG-money was born!  There was laughter, but mostly tears; because at that moment we realized that poetry, in the form of a hairstyle, was born.  As all the devout followers of the blog can tell from the above photograph, Katie and her little Dutch boy haircut had the small town of Dublin, Ohio in an uproar: the mayor wanted his picture taken with the little girl with such pizzazz, Vogue was calling requesting her to be its cover model, even the Dutch were proud that such an exuberant replica of its cherished national image had been birthed.

Much like Jared Allen's mullet, Itchy made the Dutch boy haircut more than a mere haircut...it was a lifestyle.  When asked if she wanted more mayonnaise, she had to say, "NO."  That's part of it. (footnote 1)

But alas, "nothing gold can stay,"(footnote 2) and so through the years the little Dutch boy haircut has become nothing more than a fond memory in an old photograph.  But we, who remember, cling to the recollection of the world crying the morning of March 3rd, 1990, for even then we knew a style icon was born.

Love you KG!!!!!!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

Footnotes:
1.  Itchy hates mayonnaise, everyone knows that.
2.  Frost, Robert.  Nothing Gold Can Stay.

Weekly Awards

This is a special Tuesday edition of the weekly awards.  The awards are usually given out Monday but these awards are so special that I figured I should wait until Tuesday to let the suspense build.  (or my blog secretary (myself) forgot to remind me yesterday that it was time for the weekly awards).

Poo Bird nickname of the week: Queen Yu-Na
- Queen Yu-Na is a derivative of Kim Yu-Na, the Korean figure skater.  However, the Poo Bird didn't think that Kim was a cute enough nickname so she requested that it be changed to Queen.

Name mix-up of the week: Tie
- Queen Yu-Na, while somewhat heated, called this blogger "Christen," which is of course one of her sisters' name and not the name of this blogger.
- In a humiliating moment, this blogger, after having a good laugh at being called Christen, accidentally called the cat, "Caroline," which is of course not his name.

Awkward moment of the week: trying to plug a power cord into the electric outlet below the desks in the classrooms at the law school.
- due to the extremely close proximity of seats (in room 239 especially) and the placement of the electrical outlets on the floor below the desks, it is virtually impossible to avoid placing your face in the lap of the person sitting next to you.  While this is awkward enough when it is a stranger sitting next to you, the problem is enhanced when its someone you know (Joey Eastside) who makes no effort to get out of the way.  (I may have even detected a slight hip thrust in the general direction of my head, I don't know for sure, I've been trying to block it out).

Best train impersonation: law students after climbing three flights of stairs while eating powdered sugar covered donuts.
- it is undisputed that nothing breathes harder than a law student after climbing three flights of stairs while lugging heavy book bags (some weighing in excess of 105lbs, right T-Mick).
- combine the mouth-breathing students gasping for air, with free donuts in the basement, and a need to finish eating the donut before entering class and the result is a train of law students puffing powdered sugar smoke as they climb the stairs.  (had I been able to keep up with the brisk pace I would have joined the train, but due to my limited top-end walking speed, I just observed as the train passed by, and I tried not to get hit with the powdered sugar debris).