Blog Backlog

Readers have been dropping subtle hints that it is time to get the blog up and running again. The blogesquire* has decided to share a few of the polite requests. They are as follows:

~ "Update the blog you moron." ~ Terryline** George
~ "I will throw a block of cheese at your head if you don't start blogging." ~ Amanda Barber
~ "I will punch you right in that beautiful face of yours and pinch you very hard in those amazing biceps if you don't start blogging again." ~ Conversation with myself
~ "You know what would go great with this Pizza? A side of blog, and perhaps more pizza." Andy Tidwell-Pizza

You bleaders (blog readers) are a passionate bunch and I respect the hell out of you for that.

Here are a few awards to satisfy you anal bleaders*** until I can think of some blog-worthy material.

Brain Fart of the week: Mincond
- mincond is a combination of minute and second. Terryline introduced the blogosphere to the word when she accidentally told the blogesquire to wait a mincond. The blogesquire was overjoyed at the mistake and immediately shat himself that very mincond.
- runner-up: 300 yide drarve. (the blogesquire was quite proud of a drive in a recent round of golf (aka he fed the big dog an ample serving of beef) and he decided to tell the other players that he had hit a 300 yard drive but his mouth failed to cooperate stating instead that he had hit a 300 yide drarve and he immediately undid any coolness he had achieved with his mammoth beef slap).

Awkward moment on a big screen: Brace Face Tween at Twins Game.
- Between innings at a Twins game, there was a tween girl with braces jamming out extremely hard to the song "Bulletproof" by La Roux.  Her jam session ended extremely quickly once she realized she was on the big screen.  She went from Bulllletttproooof to hooorrriiiffffiiieeedddd quickly and it was very awkward for everyone.
- had the child wearing a tent to the game been on the big screen he could've won this award.

Custom license plate of the week:

- In case you can't read it, it says "N Yo Face."  I found this beaut outside of a Walmart.  It was one of the classier license plates I came across.  The driver looked exactly how you would picture someone with a license plate that says "N Yo Face," to look like.

* blogesquire is a self-given blogging name.  (pronounced blo-guess-qui-re, or just blog-esquire if you're lame).  It was chosen to show that the blogger is both a jerk who gives himself a nickname, and also a licensed lawyer in Wisconsin.  Other nicknames that were considered were: Attorney at blaw, Blattorney, Attoger, blogtorney, and Counselor de la blogga.

** The name Terryline is the nickname of my dreams, literally.  During one of my dreams I said, "Hey Caroline,"  and in my dream Caroline responded, "Who's Caroline?  I'm Terryline."  Needless to say I found this so amusing in my dream that I woke myself up laughing.

***Please note that the term anal bleaders refers to a group of of blog readers who pay close attention to detail.  The term unfortunately has other connotations which are purely coincidental.

Video Montage

We at the blog apologize for the lack of posts lately.  School is once again getting in the way of my blogging.  You all know the ole' saying a picture is worth a thousand words, well we at the blog feel that video montages are worth a thousand blog posts.  So in an effort to "catch up" with my blogging duties, please enjoy this video montage of a bunch of jerks falling off boats.

Pic Post

We at the blog would like to introduce a new feature on the blog.  It's called the 'Pic Post.'  Pic Post is short for, 'Picture Post.'  'Picture Post' is short for, 'Pictures of funny/ridiculous things blog readers have submitted to be posted in an upcoming blog entry.'  What types of pics/vids are we looking for?  Anything that will put a little wiggle in our cheeks.  We are especially hopeful for pics of the following:
- mullets
- mustaches
- aggressive yawns
- bulldogs
- new hair trends (especially body hair)

Note, pictures you actually take are preferred over those found on the intraweb.  Additionally, if you can get in the picture that is even better.  So, if you see any of our targeted items take out your mobile digital cellular phone and snag a shot of it.  Then send it to walterwigglecheeks@gmail.com and I'll post it.

Here are some initial Pic Posts to get us started.


Nicole found this beauty at the Brewers opening day game.

It is the Milwaukee Brewer's logo shaved into some dude's head.  I'm not sure whether it classifies as a mini-mullet or a new hair trend.
It's questionable whether a shaved head classifies as "business in the front," but there certainly is one hell of a "party in the back." 


Caroline had a quick trigger in San Diego after spotting this bulldog.  She screamed "Walter!!," as she quickly got her camera out.  Nice job Poo Bird.

Here is an example of creative interpretation on a pic post.  After seeing an icon in the mustache industry's star on the Hollywood walk of fame, the blogger's first instinct was to get a picture using a finger-stache to pay tribute to him.

Please note that I will put a reminder to send pics in the sidebar of the blog.

Weekly Awards

Hey birdwatchers. It is time we at the blog got back in the habit of handing out weekly awards. So here they are.

Nickname of the week: Chubby Winston
 - the Poo Bird decided to start calling the blogger a Chubby Winston.  While I do not approve of the message it conveys it is definitely an excellent nickname.
- Language of origin: PooBirdian
- Sample Sentence: Hey Chubby Winston, I sure could use something to drink.
- Part of speech: adjective, noun, insult, compliment, tomfoolery

Song of the week: Blah, blah, blah by stupid Ke$ha.  (emphasis added)
- While the blogger typically enjoys songs meant for tweens (miley), he holds a special spot in his heart butt for Ke$ha. 
- Blogger's rendition: shesmanitanishiwa blah, blah, blah
- Blogger's rendition #2: raul pa tini ha blah, blah, blah
- Blogger's rendition #3: I like to eat pizza blah, blah, blah
- Actual lyrics: I want more sauerkraut blah, blah, blah (note this is a guess because nobody can actually understand Ke$ha.)
- Poo Bird tells me the real words are: Stop ta ta talkin' 'bout blah, blah, blah.
- always an indication of great songwriting when you repeat part of a word to fill space.  May I recommend stop sa sa singin' 'bout blah, blah, blah.

Website of the week: www.michaelscola.com
- For those unaware, one of the blog reader's name is Michael Scola.  However, this is not him, or is it?  I didn't notice anything on there about chest workouts, friendship, keeping hydrated, or steak, but perhaps he just needs to update the website.

Dart thrower of the week: Blufkin Shannahan
- Lord Blufkin loves tossin' darts.  He values power over precision.  If you ever have a chance to view his full windmill release, do not pass up the opportunity.  While he is equally likely to impale someone across the room as he is to hit the dart board, one thing is certain, the dart tips will break and Blufkin will give a shrug indicating his disapproval for the shotty dart construction.   But Blufkin will have the last laugh because chicks dig the hard throw. 

Torontosaurus Rex - Button Fixed

It has come to my attention that I am not the HTML wizard I hold myself out to be. I believe Greg from tech support has the problem fixed. Go ahead and click the button and say the password and you should be good to go. We at the blog apologize for the inconvenience.

Torontosaurus Rex

While traveling on our trip to California, the Poo Bird and I were on some red eye flights and needless to say I had one tired Bird on my hands. When sleep deprived we all do some ridiculously stupid/excellent things. Poo Bird was particularly tired. For some reason we were talking about dinosaurs and the Bird was having one heck of a time thinking about what T-Rex stood for. Her initial guess was that it stood for Torontosaurus Rex. Realizing her mistake that not all dinosaurs come from Canada, she quickly corrected herself stating that she meant Terasaurus Rex. Did I mention she was tired. Well, so was I and I had a nasty case of the giggles. My problem was not helped by the fact that the woman at the desk said over the microphone that she wished to speak to passenger Doloris Areola. I was not able to breath for a good 5 minutes after that. However, to hear the really ridiculous thing that happened, the readers will have to bear with me as I indulge in some extreme nerdery. We at the blog are constantly pushing the limits of science and technology. The blogger read about this cool technology about voice passwords and wants to give it a try. To sum it up, a reader on a website speaks a password into their microphone and then "unlocks" whatever is being kept secret. I think it is similar technology to the Shizam application for the iPhone. I had to paste a whole bunch of HTML garbage in the behind the scenes area of the blog. So, my little guinea pigs, what you need to do is click the button then you'll have five seconds to speak the password into your microphone, then the rest of the blog entry will unlock. The password is: Poo Bird.

Future Hair Trends

We at the blog love and adore both the mustache and the mullet.  However, both hair designs have already reached superstar status.  Anytime you have a french band and crayons dedicated to a hair design, what more can be achieved?

A special thanks to Colin for finding these examples of lip ticklers.

The mullet has not had the consistent performance over time as that of the mustache, but its popularity comes and goes with tenacity.  This blogger can't imagine it getting any better than Jared Allen's mullet, so people should probably stop trying for a while.

Considering that the popularity of the mustache and the mullet are peaking, we at the blog are wondering what ridiculous hair trends will take center stage in the future.  We of course have strong feelings about this and will share our predictions.

Prediction #1: The mustache and the mullet are too awesome to ever not be popular.  So, they will adapt to find new ways of expressing themselves.

- Perhaps the mullet gets tired of always having business be in the front and the party in the back.  Maybe the front mullet comes into style.

(Kate Gosselin has been the spokeswoman for the front mullet but has proven way to uncool to bring it to prominence).

Rosie O'Donnel has killed any momentum the side mullet has of ever being cool.

Rihanna, after reading this blog and realizing that side mullets aren't cool, decided to go half mohawk and half side mullet.  It was a nice try and I respect her effort to evolve the mullet but man is that an awful haircut.

- Mustaches come in all shapes and sizes but are limited to living on the faces of junior high kids, hipsters, business professionals, adult actors, cool dads and some women whose vision has declined.

- We at the blog feel that for continued growth (pun intended) the mustache and the mullet need to expand their repertoire of where they grow.

- We feel that animals and babies are a great place to start.  What is more ridiculous than an animal or baby rocking a mullet or mustache?

Prediction #2:  Other types of hair will step up their game to new levels of awesomeness.  We at the blog feel that men's body hair is a huge untapped resource and will likely be a force to deal with in the future of ridiculous hair trends.

-  Side burns are decent creatures but lack explosive potential.  This blogger's mom has been rocking tri-burns (triangle sideburns) for years but for some reason the trend has not gone further than other moms trying to steal her look.

(please also note that the blogger's mom is making an attempt to bring ribbon mullets into style but for some reason that has yet to catch on either)

-  The prime candidate to take the throne is body hair.  Here are a few options that we at the blog think may be the next big thing.

- Chest hair bow tie.  (Kudos to the bird for this one).  If a guy were to trim his chest hair into the shape of a bow tie he is certain to become a legend and the trend would blowup immediately.  (This blogger would do it but his chest resembles chiseled marble so he is not a candidate.)

- Chest hair bra.

(This pioneer is certainly on the right track)

- Chest hair suspenders.

- Back hair jersey number.

- arm hair wristbands
- leg hair socks
- and endless other body hair possibilities
We at the blog can't wait to see what sprouts up in the future.

And we're back

We at the blog have returned from our trip to California.  For those with blogger withdrawal, I recommend getting some Ian's pizza.  While it serves no medical purpose in curing blogger withdrawal it certainly is delicious.  We at the blog hope to provide some well crafted blog posts in the near future to make up for lost time.

We'll start out by sharing some tidbits from our trip.  The trip started off beautifully, with the poo birds posing by the Hollywood sign.

We felt that a prom-style pose was in order.  Only a formal pose would suffice in the presence of such grandeur.  After stopping for this shot, things went down hill, literally.  The rented blog mobile decided that power steering was overrated and decided to shut it off while the blogger was navigating the Hollywood hills.  This caused the blogger to have a little bird poo in his pants (his first of several encounters with bird poo on the trip).  (Also, please note that when traveling from the arctic north to warm weather locations, do not wear white clothing on your first few days because the locals will mistake you for ghosts because of the combination of your pastiness and white clothing make you glow.)

Because Poo Birds are migratory creatures, the locals must have known we were coming as they were prepared to challenge the Poo Bird  and her yawning prowess.  (or it could have been that the blogger instigated several challenges).

Here, the blogger teams up with the only animal higher on the yawn hierarchy than the Poo Bird in an effort to inspire a yawn showdown.  Somehow, the Poo Bird figures out that this isn't a real Hippo and she avoids a yawn-off competition.



Later, the Poo Bird exercises dominion over those below her on the yawn hierarchy.  The Sea Lions didn't even put up a fight.

However a new, previously unconsidered, challenger steps up.  We never considered rock formations on the aggressive yawn hierarchy, but clearly La Jolla Cave wants a piece of the bird as it is clearly mocking her in the background of this picture. 

(seeing that this is a new challenger, my GPS had particular difficulty pronouncing its name.  Actually pronounced, as Luh Hoya, the GPS instead went with Lay Jolls for some reason.  It was one of many histerical mis-speaks.)



Poo Bird was not happy about these rock formations challenging her yawning prowess, so she went in for the kill.

The blogger, hoping to avoid conflict, attempted to subdue the Poo Bird, by squishing her

When it was clear this tactic was not going to stop the Poo Bird, the blogger decided to supervise the competition from a safe distance.

The Bird unleashed a yawn, and even included a slightly mocking tongue extension toward the rock formation.

Needless to say, the rock crumbled in defeat and the Poo Bird emerged victorious.

We had a great trip and are happy to announce that the Poo Bird's standing in the aggressive yawn hierarchy remains in tact.  Thank goodness we didn't run into Brook Shields, that would've been quite the showdown and would likely have resulted in more bird poo in the blogger's undergarments. 

Fog Blog

It is extremely foggy, so we at the blog, being the wordsmiths that we are, realized that fog rhymes with blog.  We figured that the readers would be disappointed if we did not write a poem about this amazing coincidence.  This poem is designed to be a glorious display of rhymesmanship while at the same time being somewhat informative.  Please enjoy.

Why is it so foggy, it is making me groggy.
I'd go for a jog, if not for the fog.
Instead I'm here bloggin' with my arteries cloggin',
shootin words out my noggin', waiting for readers to log in.
Is Rachel reading with britches so soggy?  I doubt it, she's busy eating hot doggys.
Readers beware, next week my time will be hogged, as Poo Bird goes traveling with her blogging bulldog.
First L.A. where there may be some smog, then San Diego where we'll go for a yog
But now I must sleep like a frog in a bog because of this fog, good night from the blog.

Weekly Awards

It's time again for the weekly awards here in Blogonia.

Nickname of the week: Allen Jr.
- I was again outnicknamed this week by the Poo Bird.  She started calling me Allen Jr. and I think I laughed every single time.  Example:  Oh hi Allen Jr. you look nice today.

Drink of the week: Pepsi Max
- why are you so delicious Pepsi Max?

Celebration of the week: Buzz Williams, Marquette Basketball coach


Troublemaker of the week: Poo Bird and Joey Eastside
- I caught each of them reading other blogs...I nearly threw up.

Biceps of the week: Allen Jr.

Plaintiffs of the week:  Michael Scott and Rodger Cockrum
- both were actual plaintiffs in cases I read this week.

Best website featuring Tom Selleck, Waterfalls, and Sandwiches: http://selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com/page/2