Aggressive Yawn Hierarchy

In addition to beautiful singing, improvisational dancing, and excessive cuteness, one of the Poo Bird's most prominent features is her aggressive yawning style.  Her yawns are likely to come out of nowhere, strike in a split-second, and seemingly defy logic with their size, length, and intimidation factor.  We at the blog decided to take a look at where the Poo Bird's yawns rank in the animal kingdom's aggressive yawn hierarchy.  Here are the results.

1.  The Hippo.  The Hippo is the undisputed yawning champion.  Note the size of the yawn and long distance between top and bottom jaw.  The hippo knows it has a sweet yawn and likes to show it off.  It even has a board game dedicated to its yawning ability (Hungry Hungry Hippos).

 

2.  The Poo Bird.  The Poo Bird declined an invitation to show off her yawning skills, but the graphics department did a bang up job depicting her unleash one of her beauties.  Congrats to the bird for having the second most aggressive yawn in the animal kingdom.  (please note this picture is not meant to be an accurate portrayal of the bird, this not nearly as cute as the bird nor is the outfit something the bird would wear- looks a bit Canadian tuxedo-ish).

 

3. The Gorilla

 

4. The Sea Lion.  Please note that sea lions  pride themselves on having not only big but also extremely loud yawns.

 

5.  The Orangutan

 

6. Brook Shields

7. The Tapir.  The Tapir pictured is about to show off the illusive, yawn sneeze combination.

 

8. Puppy

9.  Baby.  Please note that the baby is the Poo Bird's favorite animal.  Well, actually "baby anything," is the Poo Bird's favorite animal.

 

10.  The Rabbit

 

Honorable Mention.  Kittens.

Thoughts on guest blogger

Joey Eastside, followed the Poo Bird's courageous lead and dove headfirst into the world of guest blogging. He was inspired by the Scott Hamilton drink post and came up with some other celebrity drinks. The drinks are presented in a recipe format in the previous post. Had we at the blog been more proficient at editing HTML (or as we at the blog like to call it, hyper-text-markup-language, yeah I knew that off the top of my head, what up!) we would have added onto his post rather than adding a second post. Anyway, we at the blog appreciate his efforts and enthusiasm to join in the blogging festivities. We at the blog have inside market research about our readers and know that the majority of the readers are females. This being said, we at the blog feel that many of the references made about the celebrity drinks may not be fully appreciated and understood (no offense ladies, but I'm right aren't I?) Additionally, Joey Eastside took an aggressive and more "adult" approach than we at the blog typically aim for with our content. I hope the readers did not faint after reading such aggressive blogmanship.

I do have a few questions/comments about the drinks.
- Is there any combining of drinks allowed? For instance, if I had a Tiger Clemens (combo of the Tiger Woods and Roger Clemens) would I have to take an Ambien rectally?
- I make my Minnesota Viking drinks with a few different ingredients, mine is:
1/2 cup excitement, 2 tablespoons victory, 1 cup awesomeness, served over glory, and garnished with 2 packer beatdowns.

One last question, what was Joey Eastside drinking this night?

 

My guess would be a Carl Lewis, as it looks like he's warming up his vocalizer, but maybe he can confirm otherwise.  (it also looks like Tidwell just took a Roger Clemens in the background)

Guest Blogger: Joey Eastside

The Tiger Woods

Take a Red Headed Slut (1 oz Peach Schnapps, 1 oz Jager, Cranberry Juice), a Blonde Headed Slut (1 oz Orange Liqueur, 1 oz Peach Schnapps, Pineapple Juice), a Brunette Slut (1 oz Crown Royal,  ½ oz Raspberry Liqueur, 1 oz Triple Sec, 1 oz Cranberry Juice, 1 oz Sprite), and 1 Ambien. Feel free to enjoy multiple servings of each part (umm, except for the Ambiens).

The Shawne Merriman

Have a Tequila Sunrise (1 part Tequila, 2 parts Orange Juice, splash of Grenadine), followed by a Lights Out (1 oz Vodka, 1 oz Jager), then have someone choke you.

The Jose Canseco

This is an Anabolic Steroid (1/3 oz Blue Curacao, 1/3 oz Melon Liqueur, 1/3 oz Orange Liqueur). For it to be a true Jose Canseco, take lots.

The Roger Clemens

The Jose Canseco administered as an injection in your butt.

The Floyd Landis

This too is a Jose Canseco, but you lie and tell everyone it’s just Jack Daniels.

The Tim Tebow

Drink Shirley Temples and anything else virgin in public, but start pounding Slut Tits (1 oz Blue Curacao, 1 oz Vodka, White Cranberry Juice), Buttery Nipples (1 oz Buttershots Liqueur, ½ oz Bailey’s), or anything that’s part of the Tiger Woods when nobody is looking.

The Tom Crean

This is any drink you mix with a Diet Coke and consume while in a tanning bed.

The Brett Favre

The most American beer you can think of mixed with a combo of Vicodin and tears. Must be consumed while wearing a pair of Wranglers and a 10-year old Nike golf cap. Also, the more times you re-open your tab to have one more round, the more it becomes a Brett Favre.

The Steve Phillips

You basically take any quality liquor or beer and trade it for something that comes in a paper bag and 40 oz bottle. (Mets fans contend this drink was actually invented years ago based on his crappy GM stint and that the affair with the fugly production assistant just cemented its existence.)

The Carl Lewis

Whatever drink makes you think it’s a good idea to do karaoke at the bar when you clearly should never sing in public (For reference, listen to this national anthem).

The Minnesota Viking

This one is complicated, so we’re gonna take it in steps:

1) Get a boat.

2) Make a ton of Sex on the Beach (1 ½ oz Vodka, ½ oz Peach Schnapps, 2 oz Cranberry Juice, 2 oz Orange Juice), I’m talking gallons. For this event, we’re gonna call it Sex on the Boat.

3) Get some easy women (The Gold Club in Atlanta is a good place to start). They will consume Blow Jobs (1/4 oz Bailey’s, 1/2 oz Amaretto Liqueur) and Liquid Cocaine (1/2 oz Bacardi 151, 1/2 oz Goldschlager, 1/2 oz Jager).

4)  One member of your party must pretend to moon Wisconsinites and get a middle-aged white dude to go on a tirade about how disgusting that is. (If the mooner at some point also hits a cop with his car, that’s a bonus.)

5) Find inexplicable ways to lose NFC Championship games you should win.

The Hunger

Question for the readers.  What happens when you have a hungry blogger, trapped in a library with a Poo Bird that doesn't want to get dinner yet?  The blogger is likely to do any number of things, most scarily, he is likely to blog about his hunger and perhaps even adapt a speech from a college quarterback to describe his hunger.  This is exactly what I've done.  Tim Tebow gave a speech, called "The Promise," to Florida football fans.  (pictured below)  I have made slight alterations to describe my hunger.  Please address any complaints to the Poo Bird, as this ridiculous blog post could have been avoided had she wanted to eat earlier.

 

Renowned Blogger's version:

The Hunger

To the readers and everybody in

Wiggle Nation, I'm hungry.

I'm extremely hungry.  I am 

hoping for an uneaten pizza.

To put in my hole, something

I haven't done for hours.

I promise you one thing, a lot

of food will come into me.

You will never see any blogger in

the entire country chew as hard

as I will chew the rest of the

evening.  You will never see

someone push the rest of the

food in their mouth as hard as I will push

it the rest of the evening.

You will never see a blogger

eat harder than I will 

the rest of the evening.

What a mess.

- Renowned Blogger

 I would like to point out that Tebow gave this speech on my (and Allie's) birthday.  Is this a coincidence?  I think not.  My hunger and his promise are of equal importance and demand the same attention.

Ode to the Little Dutch Boy Haircut

In celebration of Beautiful Jennifer turning the big 2-0 today, the renowned blogger has allowed me, C-Hizzy, to guest blog.

Oh what a momentous occasion it was, twenty years ago today, when KG-money was born!  There was laughter, but mostly tears; because at that moment we realized that poetry, in the form of a hairstyle, was born.  As all the devout followers of the blog can tell from the above photograph, Katie and her little Dutch boy haircut had the small town of Dublin, Ohio in an uproar: the mayor wanted his picture taken with the little girl with such pizzazz, Vogue was calling requesting her to be its cover model, even the Dutch were proud that such an exuberant replica of its cherished national image had been birthed.

Much like Jared Allen's mullet, Itchy made the Dutch boy haircut more than a mere haircut...it was a lifestyle.  When asked if she wanted more mayonnaise, she had to say, "NO."  That's part of it. (footnote 1)

But alas, "nothing gold can stay,"(footnote 2) and so through the years the little Dutch boy haircut has become nothing more than a fond memory in an old photograph.  But we, who remember, cling to the recollection of the world crying the morning of March 3rd, 1990, for even then we knew a style icon was born.

Love you KG!!!!!!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

Footnotes:
1.  Itchy hates mayonnaise, everyone knows that.
2.  Frost, Robert.  Nothing Gold Can Stay.

Weekly Awards

This is a special Tuesday edition of the weekly awards.  The awards are usually given out Monday but these awards are so special that I figured I should wait until Tuesday to let the suspense build.  (or my blog secretary (myself) forgot to remind me yesterday that it was time for the weekly awards).

Poo Bird nickname of the week: Queen Yu-Na
- Queen Yu-Na is a derivative of Kim Yu-Na, the Korean figure skater.  However, the Poo Bird didn't think that Kim was a cute enough nickname so she requested that it be changed to Queen.

Name mix-up of the week: Tie
- Queen Yu-Na, while somewhat heated, called this blogger "Christen," which is of course one of her sisters' name and not the name of this blogger.
- In a humiliating moment, this blogger, after having a good laugh at being called Christen, accidentally called the cat, "Caroline," which is of course not his name.

Awkward moment of the week: trying to plug a power cord into the electric outlet below the desks in the classrooms at the law school.
- due to the extremely close proximity of seats (in room 239 especially) and the placement of the electrical outlets on the floor below the desks, it is virtually impossible to avoid placing your face in the lap of the person sitting next to you.  While this is awkward enough when it is a stranger sitting next to you, the problem is enhanced when its someone you know (Joey Eastside) who makes no effort to get out of the way.  (I may have even detected a slight hip thrust in the general direction of my head, I don't know for sure, I've been trying to block it out).

Best train impersonation: law students after climbing three flights of stairs while eating powdered sugar covered donuts.
- it is undisputed that nothing breathes harder than a law student after climbing three flights of stairs while lugging heavy book bags (some weighing in excess of 105lbs, right T-Mick).
- combine the mouth-breathing students gasping for air, with free donuts in the basement, and a need to finish eating the donut before entering class and the result is a train of law students puffing powdered sugar smoke as they climb the stairs.  (had I been able to keep up with the brisk pace I would have joined the train, but due to my limited top-end walking speed, I just observed as the train passed by, and I tried not to get hit with the powdered sugar debris).

The Scott Hamilton

Seeing that the 'Couv Olympics ended today, we at the blog did some reflecting and decided to write about the one  thing that truly stuck out during these Winter Olympics.  We are, of course, referring to the figure skating commentary of Scott Hamilton.  Hamilton was as emotional as he was bald (if not more so).  Every single jump drew the same level of emotion and it was impossible to distinguish if Hamilton was disgusted or supremely impressed.  Even the Poo Bird chimed in about his commentary.  She would repeatedly say, "This Brian O'Brian guy needs to chill out."  By Brian O'Brian she meant Brian Boitano, another male U.S. figure skating icon.  Despite the fact that she was confusing Brian Boitano with Scott Hamilton, her analysis stands strong.  Hamilton did indeed need to chill out. (click here for evidence of his excitement)

What is clear is that Scott Hamilton is passionate about skating.  We at the blog wish to thank him for sharing his passion with us and we can think of no better way to thank him than naming a drink after him.  But what drink?  We at the blog feel it would be most appropriate to incorporate previous drinks we have named after people.

The John Daly
- for those unfamiliar with John Daly, he is a pro golfer known for hitting the long ball (aka feeding the big dog).  He is also known for smoking a cig while playing and wearing crazy pants.  (as a homework project, this blogger gives everyone the assignment to do a google image search of 'Jon Daly pants'...you wont be disappointed.)
- The drink we made up: A John Daly is a combination of beer and sparks, it screams class and energy just like its namesake.

The Harold Reynolds
- Harold Reynolds is a former baseball player and ESPN analyst who got fired for hitting on an intern while not wearing pants.
- The drink we made up: A Harold Reynolds is a John Daly, drank while not wearing pants.

The Scott Hamilton
- Our newest concoction.  The Scott Hamilton drink shall be a John Daly (beer and sparks) in which after every sip you must moan loudly in agony or delight after each sip.  People will not know whether you've been poisoned or are drinking the finest drink the world has ever known.

Here's to Scott Hamilton, cheers.  (oooohhhh eeeeekkk aaaaccccchhhhh)

G.T.L.

We all know that our friends at the Jersey Shore have their own G.T.L. (Gym, Tan, Laundry) that they all do everyday.  But we at the blog asked members of the Lake Michigan Shore what their G.T.L.s were.  Here are their responses.

Mike, a.k.a. "the stimulation" said his G.T.L. is "Gel (for his hair), Turkey Sandwiches, Ladies."

Kirky D, who knows better than to be "the stimulation's" wingman, said his G.T.L. is "Grubbin, Tootin, and Loungin."

Sconnie (Wisconsin's Ronnie), who dares anyone to come at these beef pipes bro', said his G.T.L. is "Gabies (men's bum cheeks), Top-shorts (aka t-shirts), Laying (on his belly playing computer games)."

Minnie (Minnesota's Vinnie), loves fist pumping to Soulja Boy and Sarah Bareilles, said his G.T.L. is "Gatorade, Toppers (pizza), and Liquor."

C-Woww, likes HAM...and WATER, says her G.T.L. is "Gorgeous, Terrorizing (Kirk), Lip Cuddles (a.k.a. kissing)."

Bootsy Sweetheart, he's the cutest cat you've ever seen, says his G.T.L. is "Gnawing (on chew toys), Tummy rubs, Licking himself."

Snookole,  the Princess of Potawatomi, says her G.T.L. is "Giggling, Taking cats to emergency rooms, and Larceny (we know about the wine bottle at Malpo Ball)."

Graphs

In an effort to create a more professional environment, we at the blog asked ourselves, "what's more professional than graphs?"  Probably nothing (although wearing pants around the headquarters would be another step in the right direction).

What's got two thumbs and loves pizza?

This guy!

 

After a recent job interview for a guest blogger position, at blog headquarters, the interviewee was caught on surveillance camera (pictured above).  This is a still image from the video.  Audio from the tape includes the following dialog between the candidate, a passerby and a renowned blogger:

Candidate: "Oh what up, the Hoff dropped his pizza!"

Passerby: "That's not pizza, its a pie graph, and its covered in Hoff slobber."

Candidate: "Oh I love Hoff Slobber-flavored pie graph pizza!"

Passerby: "I think that jacket is cutting off blood flow to your brain grapes."

Candidate: "Yes, that's right, it is.  I stole it from some guy named Joey Eastside."

Renowned blogger: "Are you eating the pie graph?  Do you like it?"

Candidate: no response...just continued eating and gave it two thumbs up.

Renowned blogger: "You're hired."

Poo Bird (heard singing in the distance): "whhhyyyy yoouuuu gggooootttttaaa beeee uppp onnn meee likee thattttt, yeeahhhh."